There were many times that children would say “hiya” to Moriah, and because she verbally didn’t say “hiya” back, they would leave. I don’t fault them at all for not knowing what to do, because I didn’t know either before having Moriah. But I have some tips on how to connect with children with limited to no verbal speech that Moriah showed me during her short, but beautiful life. I’ve also consulted with one of my favorite organizations, the Let’s Talk Initiative, which is leading the way in communities to make communication equally accessible for all. For more information, check them out at www.letstalkinitiative.org.
So, I’ve created 5 ways to connect with children like Moriah, even though it’s really applicable to anyone since we all can make new friends! Because each of our children are different and unique, there is not just one formula for how to interact, but I believe the key ingredient is to be intentional with everyone we meet. In the end, we don’t even need words to communicate kindness and inclusion; it is a part of the universal and unspoken language of love.
#1 Position to Say “I See You”
It’s always best to come in front of someone, and look at them straight on rather than from the side or behind, especially if he or she is in a wheelchair, so that you are physically saying “I see you.” However, if eye contact is not returned, please do not be offended or take it personally because some children cannot or do not want to make eye contact, yet everyone still wants to be seen and known. While doing this, please respect personal boundaries, and avoid leaning on a wheelchair or touch hands because some children could have compromised immune systems.
#2 A Smile Can Go A Long Way, and Make Someone’s Day
Body language and energy are easy to pick up on, and I truly believe children can feel it. A simple smile can show that you’re coming from a sincere place, and just know that if it’s not reciprocated due to limitations in body movement, it doesn’t mean it’s not appreciated.
A smile can go such a long way, and can totally make someone’s whole day.
#3 Instead of Asking “What’s Wrong?,” Say What is Right!
Let’s try to change the way we approach someone and instead of asking “what’s wrong?,” say what is right, such as “I like your smile” or “Wow! Your shoes are awesome.” Let’s affirm the positives, and then ask questions in order to better connect and become informed. Begin with basics: “What’s your name?” “What do you like to do for fun?” “What is your favorite game?” But keep in mind, there is also a fine line between asking with a genuine interest to become informed, and asking offensive questions—like when I’ve been asked about my child “what’s wrong with her?” or “how long is she expected to live?” These are insensitive, and most everyone I know doesn’t want to explain what’s wrong (because nothing is wrong!), nor does anyone I know want to forecast their child’s death. Instead, try “What are these cool, different things that you have?” Or “What does this neat device do?” I believe it’s okay to ask a parent or caregiver questions to learn how to connect even more.
#4 Take Time and Tune In
Communicating with someone who has limited to no speech might take more time. Wait patiently and pay attention to facial expressions, hand gestures, or even a communication device, which will help you to “hear” what someone is trying to “say.” There were times when my daughter would grab my hand and put it on a book or on the remote control to show me what she wanted to do. Other times, I would have my hands full, and Moriah would tickle me under the arms and laugh! It was in these little moments where I got to experience her jokes, and see how funny she was! I learned how to slow down, and pay attention like never before.
#5 Be Present, Not Perfect
One of the best things I ever read was “be comfortable with being uncomfortable” by Nick Palermo in “Missing Stars, Fallen Sparrows.”
When meeting someone new, it’s OK to not have all the right words! No worries if there are uncomfortable pauses or totally awkward moments. Just being present conveys SO much, and allows us to learn each other’s personalities and quirks together. The gift of friendship that can come from being intentional is priceless.
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