You know you get asked "How are you really doing?" but you don't really know how you are doing yourself because you're barely holding on?
Well, I'm finally ready to go there...
It has been two years since I've written on the blog. I've avoided it because it was too painful to re-visit. I've also avoided having to say Moriah and that D-word in the same sentence until recently. For the longest time, it felt surreal. To say that my daughter died felt like a slap in the face.
A lot has happened with our family in this time frame, and it has taken me a while to sort out. To be honest, it still feels like a process.
The whole year after Moriah passed away, I (unknowingly) filled up my calendar to distract myself from having to think too much about the pain. I traveled, I exercised, I had playdate after playdate for the kids, I went out, I partied, and I avoided sad, heavy conversations at all cost. I even avoided God (though He graciously kept me close in a very powerful way - which I might share at another time). But, I was pretty much doing everything I couldn't do before, and I thought I deserved this time after not having any life after 8 years of childbearing and 24/7 care-taking.
At some point, I could see my husband was lovingly supporting me through all of my "me" time, but I realized that I was going at it alone. I came home after one of my many weekend getaways with a dear friend who was newly divorced, and it made me take an honest look at my relationship with Justin. I was pretty shaken, and realized that I was doing life on my own, at my own pace, and not doing it with him. I knew this was potentially a dangerous place to be in a marriage, and from that moment, I was determined to start over with him. I would do whatever it would take to walk hand in hand with the man I married, through thick and thin.
Right after this, February 2016, I got pretty sick. One night, I became really dizzy and suffered from crazy gut issues. For the next month, I was in an out of the hospital for IV's, blood tests, ct scans, all the while feeling miserable, unable to eat, and getting down to a mere 99 lbs. Nothing came up on my tests, and the Doctors thought my symptoms were brought on by grief, so they started me on an anti-depressant. Fine, I'd take it. It couldn't hurt, right? I also sought help from a naturopath, who cleared out bacteria she found in my gut, changed my diet, and started some supplements that would help with my stomach and constant dizziness. My stomach got better, but my dizziness remained.
During this time, my incredible husband was my rock. He woke up to lay hands and pray over me. He cared for the kids. He took me to my hospital tests. He did everything while I was sick in bed. He also had an epiphany when he was in the waiting room during one of my procedures...he realized that he was running from his call to go to seminary, and that he wasn't going to run anymore. Justin saw we BOTH needed to heal - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and we needed support with it.
In the summer of 2016, our family moved back to Southern California (something I said I would never do), where both our families lived. Justin started seminary school, in addition to his own business. We were ready for healing, AND to finally face some of the grief we both had been burying deep down. Soon after our move, I went to a neurologist for my dizziness, and I was finally diagnosed with vestibular neuritis, learning that a virus impaired my vestibular system. I started physical therapy, and have experienced some improvement over time. Because I finally had a diagnosis, I decided to wean off the anti-depressant...I don't think I was ready for what came after that.
I could finally feel again. And I felt a lot...a lot of pain, sadness, hurt, and anger. I was finally facing it with Moriah. I felt alone. I felt betrayed. I felt like I wasn't myself, and I was trying to hold onto every part of me, but I was losing my grip. I didn't really know what was going, and it felt like a dark place for a few months. Because we were starting over, meeting new people, Jadon and Justin starting new schools, joining a new church, I was having trouble connecting. I didn't know what to say to people when the small talk started...so depending if I would cry or not, I'd tell them the whole truth, or just part of it. I was doing EFT (emotional freedom technique) counseling with a dear friend which helped me work through some of the lies and ptsd I had regarding Moriah's life and death, but realized that Justin and I were in very different places again. I was hurting. He was hurting. And in the meantime, we were hurting each other. We knew we needed counseling, so we took advantage of what his seminary school had to offer.
After finally feeling like I've come out of the deep depression through lots of counseling, prayer, books, support from loved ones, and a newfound realization of God's love and HOPE for me, I feel like things have gotten better. I still miss Moriah daily. I have a part of my heart in Heaven, so my world isn't totally complete here, and it never will be.
But, I also feel like we were recently given a gift that we didn't actually know we needed...
This would be after we completely closed the door to having more children soon after Moriah passed away by Justin getting a vasectomy, and giving away all our baby items.
God's plans are SO much BIGGER than I could have ever imagined. I really shut this door mentally, emotionally, and physically (well, Justin did - or so we thought) because I couldn't handle anymore heartache that could come with having another child.
But, we continue to trust...
"For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Baby is due early October.
I can't help but think that Moriah is smiling down at all of this.
Thank you for your continued love and support for our family. As I look back on this blog, my heart goes out to all of you who have prayed, left sweet comments, and cared for our sweet girl. Thank you will never be enough...but thank you anyway.
Well, I'm finally ready to go there...
It has been two years since I've written on the blog. I've avoided it because it was too painful to re-visit. I've also avoided having to say Moriah and that D-word in the same sentence until recently. For the longest time, it felt surreal. To say that my daughter died felt like a slap in the face.
A lot has happened with our family in this time frame, and it has taken me a while to sort out. To be honest, it still feels like a process.
The whole year after Moriah passed away, I (unknowingly) filled up my calendar to distract myself from having to think too much about the pain. I traveled, I exercised, I had playdate after playdate for the kids, I went out, I partied, and I avoided sad, heavy conversations at all cost. I even avoided God (though He graciously kept me close in a very powerful way - which I might share at another time). But, I was pretty much doing everything I couldn't do before, and I thought I deserved this time after not having any life after 8 years of childbearing and 24/7 care-taking.
At some point, I could see my husband was lovingly supporting me through all of my "me" time, but I realized that I was going at it alone. I came home after one of my many weekend getaways with a dear friend who was newly divorced, and it made me take an honest look at my relationship with Justin. I was pretty shaken, and realized that I was doing life on my own, at my own pace, and not doing it with him. I knew this was potentially a dangerous place to be in a marriage, and from that moment, I was determined to start over with him. I would do whatever it would take to walk hand in hand with the man I married, through thick and thin.
Right after this, February 2016, I got pretty sick. One night, I became really dizzy and suffered from crazy gut issues. For the next month, I was in an out of the hospital for IV's, blood tests, ct scans, all the while feeling miserable, unable to eat, and getting down to a mere 99 lbs. Nothing came up on my tests, and the Doctors thought my symptoms were brought on by grief, so they started me on an anti-depressant. Fine, I'd take it. It couldn't hurt, right? I also sought help from a naturopath, who cleared out bacteria she found in my gut, changed my diet, and started some supplements that would help with my stomach and constant dizziness. My stomach got better, but my dizziness remained.
During this time, my incredible husband was my rock. He woke up to lay hands and pray over me. He cared for the kids. He took me to my hospital tests. He did everything while I was sick in bed. He also had an epiphany when he was in the waiting room during one of my procedures...he realized that he was running from his call to go to seminary, and that he wasn't going to run anymore. Justin saw we BOTH needed to heal - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and we needed support with it.
In the summer of 2016, our family moved back to Southern California (something I said I would never do), where both our families lived. Justin started seminary school, in addition to his own business. We were ready for healing, AND to finally face some of the grief we both had been burying deep down. Soon after our move, I went to a neurologist for my dizziness, and I was finally diagnosed with vestibular neuritis, learning that a virus impaired my vestibular system. I started physical therapy, and have experienced some improvement over time. Because I finally had a diagnosis, I decided to wean off the anti-depressant...I don't think I was ready for what came after that.
I could finally feel again. And I felt a lot...a lot of pain, sadness, hurt, and anger. I was finally facing it with Moriah. I felt alone. I felt betrayed. I felt like I wasn't myself, and I was trying to hold onto every part of me, but I was losing my grip. I didn't really know what was going, and it felt like a dark place for a few months. Because we were starting over, meeting new people, Jadon and Justin starting new schools, joining a new church, I was having trouble connecting. I didn't know what to say to people when the small talk started...so depending if I would cry or not, I'd tell them the whole truth, or just part of it. I was doing EFT (emotional freedom technique) counseling with a dear friend which helped me work through some of the lies and ptsd I had regarding Moriah's life and death, but realized that Justin and I were in very different places again. I was hurting. He was hurting. And in the meantime, we were hurting each other. We knew we needed counseling, so we took advantage of what his seminary school had to offer.
After finally feeling like I've come out of the deep depression through lots of counseling, prayer, books, support from loved ones, and a newfound realization of God's love and HOPE for me, I feel like things have gotten better. I still miss Moriah daily. I have a part of my heart in Heaven, so my world isn't totally complete here, and it never will be.
But, I also feel like we were recently given a gift that we didn't actually know we needed...
This would be after we completely closed the door to having more children soon after Moriah passed away by Justin getting a vasectomy, and giving away all our baby items.
God's plans are SO much BIGGER than I could have ever imagined. I really shut this door mentally, emotionally, and physically (well, Justin did - or so we thought) because I couldn't handle anymore heartache that could come with having another child.
But, we continue to trust...
"For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Baby is due early October.
I can't help but think that Moriah is smiling down at all of this.
Thank you for your continued love and support for our family. As I look back on this blog, my heart goes out to all of you who have prayed, left sweet comments, and cared for our sweet girl. Thank you will never be enough...but thank you anyway.
12 comments:
thank you for sharing. God has a way of showing us He is still with us in the desert.
i was very happy to hear you were having a new baby...yes a gift of love from our Precious Lord & Savior.
Moriah...it was the highlight of my day to read about her...I am sure she brighten a lot of others as well.
God be with you and your family!
Oh girl! You guys are some pretty amazing souls! The truth is, there is not "proper" timeline, or even right way of grieving or processing...graciously, if we are open to God's Spirit, we enter into the pain and suffering and the memories tied to them, and continue to find His hope and healing. It doesn't change what's happened or make it right again, but somehow it gives us reason to wake up and face our days this side of eternity with our eyes and trust where they were designed to be. Thanks for sharing your heart here, Victoria, and some of the details of the journey since Moriah died, for both you and Justin. May God continue to pour into you guys healing and whatever else you seek of His heart over you and your family! xoxox
beautiful. truth. hard. truth. God is good. thank you for sharing your process and heart. you are a treasure. Moriah is cherished. I can't wait to see what God will continue to bring about with beauty for those ashes. he who promised is faithful.
How lovely to read about this stage of your journey. I appreciate your open and honest testament, and would like your growing family to know that I have continued to remember you in prayer. May your journey continue to be wrapped in God's love!
You have impressed me from the moment we met! You carry your faith and strength in such a beautiful way. I'm honored to do life with you. Thank you for blessing ALL of us with your precious testimony. I look forward to hearing more & more of God's goodness in your life :)
Hello Sweet Victoria,
I often wondered how you and Justin were doing, I knew you would have mixed emotions after Moriah's calling to Heaven. I witnessed all the same things you did after my Father's death. A turmoil in my heart of sorrow, freedom from the caregiving I once endured, and feeling of guilt for enjoying things. I too became ill for months, was diagnosed with depression and offerd Valium, which I knew was wrong and declined.
I went through every test imaginable, only to fing nothing wrong, but a broken heart. Then I was uplifted to find I was Pregnant with my son.
The Pregnancy was not easy, but today I see my Father in him and I know there was a reason I was blessed this way.
you are in my heart tonight as I read this post that must have been very difficult to share, yet it was the best thing for you to do.
I still see Moriah's face smiling clear as a bell and oh how she is smiling tonight!
Love to you and Justin.
PLEASE keep us posted on your new journey. We have missed you!
xo
I have chills!!!!! I have checked every so often to see if you posted. And what an amazing post it was! My heart is so happy for these next chapters in your lives.
Thanks for the honest update! I don't know you, but have followed your blog through another blog for several years. I mourned over the loss of precious Moriah. I was wondering how you were doing. I hope you have settled after the move. Congratulations on the pregnancy, but wow!!! My husband had a vasectomy too, but I'm always still a little uneasy. I hope you have an easy pregnancy. Best wishes!
Thank you for sharing with us. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I followed your blog for years. I don't even know where I found it, but I loved reading about your family, your strength, your trials and tribulations, and watching you overcome. I, too, stepped away from your blog for a couple of years now. I was just sitting here and I thought of Moriah and decided to see if you'd updated in the last couple of years.
Wow, what a message. While I hope you'll continue blogging, I can understand you needing privacy or time away. However, your message of hope was one that cannot be ignored and I'm excited to see what happens next in your family's future. You are amazingly strong and though I don't know you, I often find strength in you.
You are an amazingly strong person. I've always admired you from afar and still do. I am grateful for your update - even though I was very late in reading it. I am praying that your beautiful new baby brings you all of the joy, love, and hope you so truly deserve. Much love to all of you!
Sending LoVe ~ prayers ~ and (((HUGS))) always
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